One AM

As I note in my post it is late. Quite late for me. Lately I haven't been able to wind down and just konk out like I normally can. It's as if after working all day, my brain just won't stop going.

My little brother, Robert is shipping out next week and the house is going to feel so empty. I'm worried about him and I am going to miss him. It's strange how quickly being back in my parent's house and with my siblings starts to feel like home, even at this late date. The fact of the matter is growing up with there being four of us was and is wonderful, but I'm not really a person that knows how to live alone. I did it for a while, but my outlook on the world goes screwy. Of course, there is much to be said for some sort of privacy and for getting my own home in the next few years, but moving around so much seems to have meant that home for me is intimately tied to people and a place alone, how ever much I like not having to deal with the annoyances other people present, never feels quite like home to me.

It's strange, Brian is normally the one to stay up til all hours of the night and sleep late in the morning. Who am I kidding? I'll still be awake at 7:30 in the morning. That never changes. We made reservations for me to go up to Philly and see him tomorrow and I cannot wait. It's been a month now and I'm starting to feel that strange inner coldness that means we've been away from each other for too long. It's a feeling you have to be able to pick up on when you are in a long distance relationship, because after that the mental kookiness starts to happen.

Speaking of all of this. I am working on my thesis for real now. For hours every day. I'm even starting to love Tristram Shandy again, which I thought was over forever. The whole thing is still so daunting, but my baby steps are picking up steam and I seem to be getting into the "I want this part of my life to be over" mindset. That's good, but it always comes with a strange disconnect from the world. Like when I retire to read for two weeks, it doesn't feel quite like me. Part of me is scared of writing because of the "would I ever actually sit down and do it" conundrum but there are other spaces in my head where I can only too easily see myself retreating into a completely manufactured world and rarely coming up for air. That option is almost as scary.

I probably shouldn't post this, as I haven't really figured out how personal I want this blog thing to be yet, but I'm tired enough that I'm not sure I care.

BTW: Am I the only person in the world who is absolutely loving Rock Star: INXS. Online every independent TV review site seems to be either slamming it or ignoring it when they wanted to see Dancing With the Stars. I mean, Rock Star is something to be a little embarrassed about, and I am, but that monstrosity was craptastic and everybody wanted to talk about it. And I like ballroom dancing.